I Raped Myself

He said it, so it must be true.

Everything he said was true.  Nobody else liked me.  Nobody else could love me.  Nobody else saw me as worthy.

“Do what I tell you, or else.”

The or else was a scary thought, so I did what I was told.

He paid for my lunch.  He drove me around.  He did me favors.  So, I owed him.

He never let me forget it, either.  I tried to leave.  I tried to get out of his mandated obligations.  I tried to just disappear, and hope he would forget me.

Sometimes, I thought it was working.  I could walk by him, and he wouldn’t acknowledge me.  He wouldn’t even give me that look of disgust.

Did that make me free?

I wasn’t sure.  Before I had a chance to understand true freedom, he was back.  He apologized his way back into power.  He disguised his dictatorship as democracy.

I bought my own lunch one day.  I realized how little I paid for it when I used money.

I asked for help.  More like, a definition.  I was told that I deserved my situation.  I was told there was no definition.  I was given the “get up and move on” speech.

Did everybody agree that I was worthless?

Or, did my own belief in my worthlessness give others the right to treat me that way?

When he said I owed him, I paid.  The payment felt exactly like or else.

He doesn’t deserve my favors.

I buy my own lunch now.

 

~Post from 2014.  In response to a prompt.

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23 thoughts on “I Raped Myself

  1. I don’t know you enough to know if this is true, but I can completely relate to this. Though I was only a child, I was raised by that very same mentality, always walking on eggshells, fearing when he’d snap. 💕

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    1. It’s true. It’s what my eventual book will be about. That’s why I want to develop my writing career- to write books that reach out to survivors.

      I can say with all sincerity- you’re an incredibly strong woman. Never let your past prevent your future

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Unfortunately, I’m dealing with years of torment, much of which I didn’t remember until a few years ago. Writing is my salvation. Literally. And though my books are fantastical, the problems and things my characters deal with are very much relevant. I think that’s why so many people have related to them.

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      2. Well, I have 3 novels out right now. The first two are from one person’s perspective, the third is her best friend (so basically one big universe). Two novellas of the universe are coming in April, and I have a short story anthology and chapbook I’m about to release as well.

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      3. Wow. You’re who I’m trying to be. I know how hard it can be to lift yourself out of your past and have the confidence to put the best of you out there. Thanks for doing it. It inspires me to keep at it

        Liked by 1 person

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